Not Your Fault
by Spark of Life
Summary: Three simple words can take away a lifetime of guilt. Based on true events in my life. SetoKatsuya. Katsuya's POV


Not Your Fault

Summary: This is a fanfic, detailing what I felt a while back using Jou as myself and Seto as my girlfriend, told in Jou's viewpoint. Some of the events that are described did not happen to me but are used for dramatic effect. It is a dramatization.

Disclaimer: I don't own etc.

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I remember the day that my parents separated. My father, far from being the breadwinner of the family, spent our hard earn money on booze and prostitutes. My mother, who was both my mother and my father, decided that she didn't want to take this anymore. She wanted out. I can't blame her now that I look at it in hindsight. I wouldn't want to be married to the guy either. She left in the middle of the night, taking my sister with her. I never saw her again. I always felt guilty. Because I did nothing, I felt as if something I could have said would have made a difference in their dilapidated relationship. They say that evil wins when good people do nothing. I guess I felt like that. That is the mind of a child; he thinks that he alone can save the world. It is a side effect, I guess, of all the television shows telling us that we are special, the world can change if you believe in yourself, and only you can prevent forest fires. From the purple dinosaur to the giant yellow bird on the boob tube, messages of hope and light flourish in the minds of the youths.

My father, without his money source, turned to a life of pick-pocketing, stealing cash from the people who earned it. He also, at the right price, was benevolent, finding people's lost pets and belongings, collecting the rewards. When he came out, sometimes teetering on the brink of sobriety and inebriety, he would be angry at me for no reason. Everything I did seemed to set off his short temper. I was forced to raise myself and, at the age of ten, had a doctorate's at the School of Hard Knocks. I was always depressed, but I could hide it very well behind a smile. Many people would not expect me to have such a horrible secret.

I was a child raised on the streets. My credo was Do unto Others before They Do to You. However, there was an exception. He was a person that I would entrust my life to, Honda Hirito. He had been there ever since my mother moved away. Like a true best friend, he was there whenever I needed some physical assistance, like trouble with gangs or people in general. Wherever one of us was around, the other would not be far behind.

When I reached high school, there were three people that were influential in shaping me to be the person I am today. There was this innocent freshman with strange spiky hair. His name was Yuugi. He was so happy and treated me nice. Never have I seen such determination in one person. I felt as if he could take on the world. Anzu, this girl I like to call my moral compass, always had a speech for me, whether it was to believe in myself, or the power of friendship, she was always there to talk.

The third one never comforted me. He was just there, the one constant in my constantly changing world. He looked at me the way I looked at myself, broken and useless. It was as if he was waiting for me to realize something. What was there to do, admit to my failure to keep my parents together? Is that what I am, a failure? I know Yuugi and the others do not view me as a failure. They see me as their ally. Should an ally of their light be contaminated by the darkness?

I never realized how powerful friendship could be until Yuugi defeated Pegasus. It was at that moment that I began to comprehend that maybe the whole world is not against me. If we are together, then truly, we can change the world.

As I headed home one day, I saw a black limousine around my house. It was strange to see something that lavish in my neighborhood, a place where the harlots run free and all sorts of mischief is afoot. But I thought nothing of it. As I look back, it was a warning not to do what I did next.

The moment I stepped into my apartment, the sharp smell of liquor invaded my nostrils. I hacked and coughed. My father must be home. It was almost surreal. The room became hazy as I looked around for his passed out corporeal form. As I went into the kitchen, the stench became so unbearable that I had to cover my nose. If he wasn't in the kitchen, then that was the place he was last.

There were littered beer bottles everywhere. I should pick it up but it isn't my mess.

Still, my father would be pissed if there was a mess in the kitchen. Even though it wasn't my mess, I cleaned up the kitchen and sprayed deodorizer to get rid of the pungent smell of hard liquor out of the room. It was half effective because now the roomed smelled like someone was trying to cover up the evidence of drinking.

It is sad. This is my existence. I do not complain about the cards life dealt me. I believe that life is like a roller coaster. You get good times and you get bad times. I screwed up the good times by separating my family. This is the punishment for not keeping my family together when I could have done something.

After cleaning a mess that wasn't my fault, I went to my room. Looking out of my window, I see the same limo that was outside before. Is that thing following me or am I paranoid? It is probably the latter rather than the former.

I hear some rustling. That must be my loving father, getting up from his drunken stupor. Oh, joy, some good ol' quality time with dear old dad. I try to stay as motionless as possible. The slightest noise might alert him to my presence and that might be hell to me.

It isn't fair. I know that I caused the breakup of my parents but must I also endure this suffering too. Yeah, my dad hits me. It isn't his fault. After years of not finding a job, he finally found a way to vent his frustrations. I am his favorite punching bag. Oh, he doesn't leave marks on my body. He's too smart for that. He punches me in the stomach or slaps me in the face with something like a newspaper or something. If he leaves a mark, child services would be on him so fast, he would lose the one thing he could beat up. And of course, I don't fight him. I am the reason that he lost his purpose in life, serving his family.

Why am I so useless? How come I bring destruction in my wake? It isn't fair. I was separated from the one person that would love me no matter what. Shizuka, where are you? Please answer me.

He walks away from my purpled body after he is done beating it beyond recognition. This is my punishment for not doing to save the already rocky marriage of my parents. I accept that I am worthless.

Shuffling because of the pain, I exit my, no, my father's apartment. The brisk wind hurts my body as it blows against me fiercely. I don't remember how I got there, but I made it to the local park. It was oddly dark, even in the illumination of the park lamps. I sit on one of the benches. Perhaps this is my final punishment, to die ignobly on the streets like a … like a…

"Puppy?"

I don't even need to turn around to know who that voice belongs to. He is the one who treats me how I deserve to be treated. "What are you doing here, Kaiba?"

I can feel him smirk even though my head is turned. "I usually come to the park to get some fresh air."

I laugh bitterly. "So, even the great Kaiba comes to the park to socialize with people."

I can feel him move from where he was standing and come closer to me. "Your father hit you today, didn't he?"

I am surprised that he was able to pick that up when all of my bruises are on my front side of my body. But, then again, he was the smartest guy in Domino High School. How could I ever escape the all-knowing eye of Kaiba Seto?

Before I realize it, he sits next to me. I feel his blue eyes on me. Hmm, I don't remember his eyes being so warm. I still don't look at him. I stare at the horizon. "Why do you care, Kaiba?"

"I went through the same thing with Gozaburo." He said simply.

"That doesn't answer my question."

He placed his hands on my shoulders. They felt so familiar, as if they belonged there. Turning my body to face him, I can see his familiar blue eyes with an expression I had never seen before. What was that?

"I felt isolated and alone. I blamed myself for putting my brother and I in the hands of a madman. But I realized something and I was able to put that behind me."

Again, I thought to myself_. What does this have to do with me_?

"Then I saw you. You put on a mask of happiness, but really you wanted to feel as low as dirt. So I treated you the way you wanted to be treated, believing that you would be able to break that feeling and think of yourself higher.

_That would explain all of the taunting and the degrading_.

"I followed you home today in my limo and I saw you go inside of the apartment. When you came out, your look was haggard and jaw was swollen. I had figured that your father beat you."

_So, he was the one in the limo earlier. But why does he care_?

"And that leads me to the reason I followed you here. I wanted to tell you that I know what you are going through and…" He took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. "It's not your fault."

It's not your fault. The words echoed in my mind. No one had ever said that to me: not my father, my mother, or my friends. But here was Kaiba, my worst enemy, saying that the breakup of my parents is not my fault.

"Yes, it is Kaiba. I did nothing to save them." I start to cry.

"What could you have done to save their marriage?" He asked. I looked at him with the utmost confusion. "Could you have said anything that would have prevented their breakup? You were young and you feel bad about it. So you place the blame on yourself so that you are justified in feeling sorry. But you have to realize this. These things happen. You have to be strong and move on."

His words penetrated my heart. I could actually understand what he was saying. Perhaps I was taking this a bit seriously. If my parents' marriage was falling apart, there was nothing I could do. I just wanted there to be a scapegoat and, to appease myself, I became it.

But, once again, I still have no idea why he is doing this.

He took my pause in speaking to sit down with me on the bench. I could feel the heat radiating from him. _Why_, I ask myself. _Why is he doing this_?

I turn to face him, determined to find out why he is being, well I won't call it kind… hmm… let's call it social. I see his blue eyes staring as if they could see my inner heart.

"Why are you doing this, Kaiba?" I finally blurted. "We both know you are not known for your kindness, so what are you getting from this?"

Kaiba sighed, something I never seen him do. It was as if he was truly contemplating his next move. "I am not sure." He admitted. "I never would have thought that I would be doing this. But somewhere along the way, you unintentionally opened the flood doors of my heart. You overwhelmed me with you innate kindness and loyalty. I couldn't help it. It was all I could do not to admit my love."

_NO WAY. KAIBA SETO IS IN LOVE WITH ME?_

"It hurts me to see you wallowing in your self-pity, so I tried to become your enemy. I wanted you to be strong, even if you would never return my feelings. I wanted you to overcome this obstacle in your life. You are so important to me, akin to Mokuba. If something was to happen to either of you, I would just die."

I had to know. "But why me?"

"I don't have an answer to that. But I know for a certainty that I am head over heels in love with you. That is why did I all of the things I did. I had to tell you this. I don't want you to feel guilty over something you had no control over. I really am sorry that I made you hate me and about all the things I said. But please realize that I did it to make you stronger."

His eyes were pleading. That was that emotion in his eyes, Love! Why didn't I see this before?

As he spoke, all of the anger I once harbored against him started to lift away into the night sky, becoming ether and fading into nothingness.

"I really am shocked to hear those words come out of your mouth. In all of my life, I never thought that someone would say that it wasn't my fault. Granted, I don't talk about it, but still means something, and for that, I thank you Kaiba."

He looked a bit relieved as I thanked him. Now, I turn away. I am unable to think of an answer to his confession of love. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

"As for you, er uh, confession, I want to put this as delicately as possible."

I chanced a look at his eyes. They were filled with sorrow.

"I still have some problems to deal with and, right now, I am not ready for love. My heart is still burdened with the fact that I have made myself a scapegoat for all these years and I still have some ghosts to lay to rest." His eyes flashed with understanding. "It will be a long road. It may be weeks, months, or quite possibly years. So right now, I am not ready to answer your confession. But someday, when my burden is lifted, I will be. But for right now, I thank you for being a friend."

I leaned into his warm body and I hugged him. He hugged me back and stroked my hair lovingly.

We stayed like this for a while. Time became meaningless to us.

Not your fault. It's amazing how three simple words could lighten the pain in my heart.

I still have a long road ahead of me. There are so many obstacles I have to overcome: my abusive father, my emotionally distant mother, my feelings of worthlessness and other unseen factors. But now, there is someone in my corner, cheering me on, telling me not to give up. I call him Seto now and he calls me Katsuya.

I do believe that I will overcome this. And maybe someday, I will be able to answer him.

I will be able to love Seto.

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Owari 


End file.
